A Possible Gospel And New Testament

More Fun Than Fundamentalism.

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Monday, July 31, 2006

By Popular Demand

You might want to read the previous post and thread if you expect what follows to make any sense at all. You might also want to skip both.

WARNING: Intended for immature audiences.


The Interlude
A Classical Scene of Arboreal Scandal and Intrigue

“Too sexy for my leaves” –
Thus will sing the nubile trees
At summer’s end (this is a prophecy)
In gusty breezes to perform
That burlesque autumn ritual
Of old: baring branches and revealing
Shapely, stately forms. Beneath one such,
Our Crystal sings a holy Catholic hymn,
And yet with Rachel, who stands near,
Wears nothing but strategic
Low-cut maple leaves,
Some holly in her hair; and leers.
Doug, the pastor, is aghast,
And looks up at the sky real fast
Attempting to see less of leaf and limb.
A simple, private man, and unbeknownst
To most of those who love him, he too
Has thoughts of “goofy sex with trees;”
And yet, like every person of the cloth,
Has taken secret, sober vows
Against such earthly liberties.

The branches shake. From high above
It’s Aidan dropping down upon the ground.
He looks upon the growing crowd
Then sings, with that familiar Beatles sound:
“Why don’t we do it in the trees?”
Gautami and GP are clapping overheatedly,
While Matthew, adding to this sweetly surreal
Scene of floral sensuality,
Holds forth clinically on arboreal sex
In a manner mostly detached,
Somewhat debauched,
Yet somehow scholarly; when ThursdayNext
Sidles alongside, a spy with pinecones
To inquire in a dangerous insinuating way:
“Mon cher Monsieur Matthew –
Parlez vous francais?”

45 Comments:

At 6:22 PM, Blogger Keshi said...

**Intended for immature audiences.


no wonder I got it lol!

Keshi.

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger mistipurple said...

*sings..you did it your wayyyyyy..

i just commented on the post below, and didn't notice you managed to combine sex/trees/goof/childish into this post. lol!
(wish i was here earlier. wonder where you will fit me in. haha!)

 
At 8:16 PM, Blogger Matthew said...

Goofy tree sex?

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE

You. Rock.

 
At 12:15 AM, Blogger jim said...

I heard about you from someone who is opposed to me, they indicated your worth was substantial.

After a short but effective look now I see, they are right, your worth is substantial, they should pay more attention, they would not be so opposed to me.

My apologies for the past, best wishes into the future.

 
At 3:26 AM, Blogger samuru999 said...

You got it all in there...
just as your loyal fans requested!
Good job!
And I did learn something "as I had hoped"
Nothing about sex though.
I learned that you are damm funny
and know how to please us all!
Loved this!
Well... actually sex in a tree
might not be half bad!

 
At 7:03 AM, Blogger Don Iannone said...

Great one! Loved it. More please.

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger Darius said...

KESHI: Yes, the inner immature child is important to hang onto...

MATTHEW: Thank you, thank you, as long as those are roses and not bananas you throw onto the stage.

As for the fine phrase, "goofy tree sex," it comes directly from Pastor Doug Hoag's comment in the previous post.

And of course who knows if this defining work of a lifetime could have come into being without your use, in that same thread, of the word "arboreal," which wouldn't have occured to me.

Yes - I owe my success to so many people who have been so supportive over the years. Mom... Dad... Mrs. Beasely in third-grade...

JIM: I always accept apologies, especially when I haven't been offended. But I just hope you're not identifying my "worth" too closely with poems about trees and sex. I think I'm about tapped-out there...

SAMURU999: Thanks, Samuru. But in fact, sex in the trees was proving damned inconvenient and this is the real reason our ancient ancestors came down from the trees. Somebody figured out, "Hey! A more stable surface would help out a lot with this!" Thus began the evolution of the human brain and the freeing up of the hands, allowing for the development of hand tools and foreplay.

DON I: Thanks, Don. But I don't know if the Muse can speak twice about goofy sex and trees. So far it's silent...

 
At 7:34 AM, Anonymous Marissa said...

Brilliant! Love it! :)

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger ThursdayNext said...

Oooo la la bebe! How did you know j'ai parle francais? ;) Tres magnifique, mon cherie.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger mistipurple said...

i'm here for my audition.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger crystal said...

Don't tell me Matthew knows French as well as Latin! :-)

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Darius said...

MARISSA: Thanks Marissa. I guess anything that light has to be brilliant!

THURSDAYNEXT: It was your use of "moi" in the thread of the previous post, cher ange...

Mais mon francais est tres mal. J'etudie en ecole secondaire. J'oublie la... plus parte??

MISTIPURPLE: OK. Recite Mister Rogers' masterwork on the subject of trees, word for word.

CRYSTAL: I guess we may never know. "The Interlude" has such a cliff hanger of an ending...

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger Matthew said...

I should just leave you in suspense, but in the interest of full exposure, I must make a clean breast of things, and confess that my French is as bad as -- no, much worse than -- my Latin.

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger kevin beck said...

Darius,
Awesome! I'm too sexy for my leaves, too sexy for the trees.

"Burlesque autumn ritual." very evocative.

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Keshi said...

sure is :)

Keshi.

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger Ghost Particle said...

oh man...HAHAHHAH...okay weird goofy tree sex...

So does mr mathew speak french!>?>

Nice one! Loved it.
//Then sings, with that familiar Beatles sound:
“Why don’t we do it in the trees?”//

Now the beetles r goin to sue u!

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger kathy said...

“Too sexy for my leaves” –

lol that line reminded me of that song "I'm too sexy for my body" - wo sang that song? i forgot?

lol loved it Darius!

 
At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Marissa said...

"I'm Too Sexy" was written by the ever-talented Right Said Fred. I know way too much about late '80s/early '90s cheesey music... :D

 
At 9:04 PM, Blogger chris said...

Pastor doug, huh! I kinda figured he might like the tees just a little too much.It's always the ones you would never expect.

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger Darius said...

MATTHEW: Ah... C'est fromage...

KEVIN B: Thanks, and I'd never thought to compare falling leaves to a strip tease before this. Honest. But when people want something with sex and trees, you just have to stretch for the bold new metaphor.

KESHI: You bring much passionate conviction to this subject. There may be even more people who look at trees in this manner than I'd already learned to suspect. Who knows, maybe this is the real reason they were writing so much nature poetry in the nineteenth c.

GP: Not much french, he says above in this thread.

Hmm... I do get Brits looking in sometime. If Benjamin is reading, the Beatles may be as well, since it is a rather small island.

KATHY: Thanks, Kathy. Marissa and I supply our fond memories of "too sexy" songs in her comment and my reply.

MARISSA: Thanks for that reference. I was drawing on my memory of some commercial that I guess must have used that same song. There was this voice going, "Too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my..." I think different articles of clothing? Meanwhile a young woman with an exaggeratedly sexy facial expression was taking off her hat... maybe a couple other things, but not much, it was TV.

I have no idea what they were trying to sell.

CHRIS: Still, I think Pastor Hoag sets a good example in the poem. I mean, given that it turns out that so many people have feelings for trees (as discovered in the thread to the previous post)...

Clergy are only human...

 
At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Rachel said...

This is great. What a fun read! TY, Darius.

 
At 10:02 PM, Blogger Homo Escapeons said...

I am delighted that you finally decided to write about your wood.

J'ai des arbre de la connaissance dans mon jardin!
(I have the tree of knowledge in my garden)
Come on over and pick some fruit. I haven't seen the serpent in years....

btw your bark is worse than your blight.

 
At 7:31 AM, Anonymous Marissa said...

The sick thing is that if you really wanted, I could probably quote that entire song for you. I don't think you want that though. :D

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger Darius said...

RACHEL, thanks -

HOMO ESCAPEONS: I appreciate your struggle to come to grips with the underlying meaning of all this.

MARISSA: Seems like I've seen photos of you dancing with friends on your blog before, I think at Canobie Lake Park? Maybe a sequence... you all could be taking off your, I don't know, hat, boots, winter gloves... while lip-synching above the printed lyrics?

 
At 9:04 PM, Blogger Homo Escapeons said...

me thinker
me no struggle with tree poem
me enjoy whimsical arborealism

 
At 2:58 AM, Blogger Known Stranger said...

good stuff should be for matured ones... when a imature reader like me is getting thrilled certainly a matured reader would be entized

 
At 6:12 AM, Blogger Darius said...

HOMO ESCAPEONS: What?! No large underlying meaning? But I think your very use of the term "arborealism" suggests this could be the start of something big... Beyond realism... Beyond surrealism...

KNOWN STRANGER - I don't know if what you just said was logical, which, in a way, is very logical considering the "poem" you were commenting on. Please allow me to follow up with something even more intellectually rigorous and challenging:

Would you be related to the "Lone Ranger?" I mean, he was also a Stranger. At the end of the show, they'd always go, "Who was that masked man?" So the Lone Ranger was the quintessential Unknown Stranger.

How do you feel about the Lone Ranger? Do you identify with him? Then again, I think you're Indian, right? Is the Lone Ranger even famous there? Do they understand that whole riding off into the sunset mystique?

These are large questions, I know, and with vast international implications...

 
At 6:38 AM, Anonymous Marissa said...

I don't think there are any photos of me dancing on my blog. And certainly none where I was dancing to Right Said Fred. There are, however, videos of various friends dancing to "Shout", that infamous song played at weddings. :D

 
At 7:14 AM, Blogger Darius said...

MARISSA: Well I guess that will have to do...

I keep waiting for Pastor Doug Hoag to check in because he has such a major role in this post and his phrase, "goofy sex with trees," in the thread of the previous post, was the real kernel or seed around which the inspiration for these immortal lines crystalized.

PASTOR DOUG! Where are you?

I notice his blog hasn't had activity lately. He might be on vacation. I might have to keep this post up for a while so he can see it. Or I might say, "the heck with it."

A real-life ethical question being played out right in the blogosphere. "Virtual" reality? I think not...

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Lillie said...

Far better trees, than Pharisees. Very much fun, Darius. Thanks.

 
At 9:48 AM, Blogger gautami tripathy said...

As usual I am late with my comments! Comments? What commentS?

As I do not belong to immature category, I refuse to read this post!


~~~~~~SILENCE~~~~~~

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger boneman said...

I'm in the same boat as mistipurple, sort'a.
Read this poem and then read the previous post and commented before reading any of the other comments (to remain original to m'thought, and if redundant, who cares?) but, afterwords, there ya were, being enteated t'do the "glut of it all" as it were.
And, ya did well.

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger Darius said...

LILLIE: That could well be, and yet the number of posts possible for taking this particular angle on trees... well, I think I've hit the wall!

GAUTAMI: As long as you're in this, it probably is best not to read it...

BONEMAN: Thanks. I'm sure glad I referenced my previous post because it must be confusing to read this one before you realize I was forced into it kicking and screaming.

 
At 12:34 AM, Blogger rama said...

Brilliant! Congratulations! And thanks.

But reading the pome, I thought perhaps some overheated monkey might also have watched the whole episode, and not been able to contain himself ...

(This is a reference to a joke, where an overheated sparrow was roaming the forest in search of a mate. Not finding one, he asks a female elephant whether she would be so kind. "Go ahead dear", she says, and so he does. A monkey sitting atop a coconut tree watching the whole episode gets so excited that he begins to pleasure himself agitatedly. In that agitation, a coconut is loosed from the tree and falls on the she-elephant's head. "Ouch" she says. To which the sparrow responds: "Did I hurt you dear?"
Best, rama

 
At 7:06 AM, Blogger Darius said...

RAMA: Wow... I wonder if anyone has ever studied the origins and spread of jokes? Your sparrow and elephant one is extremely similar yet not identical - except for the punch line, which is word for word ("Did I hurt you dear?") - to a joke I haven't heard for like 38 years. I remember hearing either my mom or grandmother telling it when I was just old enough to get it.

So I'm wondering if you originally heard it in India?

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger Pastor Doug Hoag said...

I'm still here! Just haven't been on for a while. I'm going to post another blog very soon.

Great poem, Darius! I'm flattered that I served as a catalyst for your creativity!

 
At 7:22 PM, Blogger Pauline said...

I think, therefore I am, I think. And until tonight, I never put goofy sex and trees in the same thought (I don't think). I didn't comment on the previous post. But here I am, standing up to be counted...

 
At 5:11 AM, Blogger Darius said...

PASTOR DOUG HOAG: I've been blogging less often myself, more like once a week. Thanks again for your fine phrase.

PAULINE: I like your existential uncertainty, yet still you take your stand - sort of like a pine tree, I think. (Just looked quickly at your blog, I'll be checking in at some point.)

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger Pauline said...

So, what kind of tree are you?

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Darius said...

I forgot...

 
At 6:23 PM, Anonymous fred biletnikoff said...

huh? I don't see what this is..........maybe my Lord has made me partially sighted and I thankfully only see trees........y'know, Darius was replaced in the OT 'spresh yoself and 'scuse yoself are no twins identical

 
At 7:09 PM, Blogger Pauline said...

I think that I shall never see
A tree that quite embodies me
Nor find my my attributes defined
By swimming fish with tails entwined
A birth date, time, and stars can't show
The parts of me I've come to know
Those things that change with every thought

What havoc stars and Celts have wrought.

 
At 8:52 AM, Blogger Darius said...

FRED: You would have needed to read the thread on the previous post to truly "appreciate" this "poem." If you didn't do that then you no doubt spent your time more wisely.

PAULINE: You are a Buddhist poet then? Well done!

 
At 9:35 PM, Blogger anonymous julie said...

Je suis le fromage!!

Err... more goofy tree sex, please!

Err... oh boy. Never mind.

:D

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger Darius said...

AJ - Don't think I have another one in me... Face it, it's a once in a lifetime kind of thing.

 

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